roller coaster ride..

so after a year, i got the nerve to open this blog again. Did it really took me that long? and what a year that was..

so many things happened. so many faces have seen. so many places have been.

lots of trials i guess. lots of puzzles. lots of hardships. lots of mind mazes.

people came and went. strangers passed by, friends stay. got to meet new ones, and loose some.

lessons have learned. some chapters closed, another story is being written.

plans were made, things are falling into place. blessings are coming, a big thanks to the LORD up there!

tears dropped (not that quite). love faded, another one blossoms.

it was a roller coaster ride indeed. but one thing is obvious. unlike my last post, i really am GRATEFUL, HAPPY and IN LOVE.. (mushy) =)

agony

ewan ko. di ko alam. i opened this blog again coz i wanna express all this crap inside. but i still don't know what i have to say.. i noticed it's more than a year now since i made my last post. and things, many things had changed.

i thought my life would be complete now. thought i've found that one piece that has been missing all my life. i said to myself "nakita ko na s'ya finally". but now, things got ugly. and my life started to get messy. it's getting worse than what i had before that piece tried to complete my puzzle. ngayon, parang mas mahirap na buuin ung puzzle.

i admit, it made me smile everyday. i saw the puzzle. it was solved. and i was very happy. i've never felt that happiness in my life before. and i prayed it would last forever. masayang masaya ako. walang kasing saya. i started living the dreams sabi nga nila. i was making plans with that piece. i was enjoying. but the thing i never noticed is that i was drowning myself already. and that piece would never save me. she left me hanging, ruining the puzzle she once fixed.

may mga bagay na nawala sa pagdating nya. and it was my fault letting them go. akala ko kasi, mas magiging okay ako na wala sila basta anjan sya. i never realized that may possibility na mawala din sya, and when that time comes, di ko na maibabalik ung mga bagay na naging kapalit ng pagdating nya.

i'm trying to look back. trying to see what i've done wrong. Sira ako when it comes to being attached to things. yun ba ang mali ko? masyado akong nagiging attached sa mga bagay sa paligid ko? at nahihirapan ako pag nawala na sila. then how will i be happy na hindi magiging attached sa ibang tao? and i don't see myself being alone in the first place.. Magulo! walang kasing gulo!

so.. what now? di ako masaya. i'm empty again. don't even know where to start. i ain't got no company. nawala na sila. dahil pinili ko siya. at ngayon, umalis na din sya. is this the price i have to pay? dahil sa mga kagaguhan ko before? siguro nga. kung eto man yun, hanggang kailan ko dapat pagbayaran? Eto ba dapat ang maging kabayaran? di ba parang sobra sobra naman to?

to suffer this pain alone is unbearable for me. this agony is killing me. is there anyone out there who can help me?

RIP Man From Manila

Last tuesday night i was out with cousins. Nagpunta kami sa CityWalk na ngaun ay Kanela na. They were playing this song:

"Every color, every hue,
Is represented by me and you.
Take a slide in the slope,
Take a look at the kaleidoscope.
Spinnin round, make it whirl
In this kaleidoscope world.."

Nagising ako kanina around 12 na ata. tanghali na. As i was watching tv, it was announced that Francis M died due to leukemia.

Pagkatapos ko malaman na magpeperform sya sa concert ng eraserheads bukas, nakakagulat na mabalitaan na sumuko na pala ang tinatawag nilang master rapper.

Kanino ba naten narinig ang mga lines na:

"Tayo'y mga pinoy,
Tayo'y hindi kano.
Huwag kang mahihiya,
Kung ang ilong mo ay, PANGO."

Sinu ba ang nagpasikat ng song na "Three Stars and a Sun"? Tumutukoy sa mga symbols na nakalagay sa Philippine flag.

Kanino ba natutunan ng mga bata ngayon na magsuot ng damit na may nakadrawing na mapa ng Pilipinas? o kaya naman nakalagay ang phrase na "i love PINAS" or "i am PINOY"?

Nakakalungkot lang isipin na hanggang dun na lang ang binigay na time sa kanya para ispread ang value of Nationalism.

He's got a lot of accomplishments. he's a good example to every one. to every Filipinos, from his nationalistic music hits to his statement tees..

He has done a great job. The man should be admired.

And may he rest in peace..

January 24, 2003..

Magkukwento lang naman ako ng ginawa ko maghapon at magbabalik tanaw ng konte sa mga nangyare exactly six years ago.. Kung parang boring para sau, ay pwede mu na iclose yung web page. Pero wag kana magpapakita saken kahit kelan. Joke! Hehe..

kanina, or kahapon (since it's 3:14am na pala), saturday, january 24, 2009, i'm celebrating my birthday.. same occasion just like last year. but same feeling just like January 24, 2003. why?..

..i've seen lot of different faces today. ang ilan ay mga bagong kakilala at ang iba naman ay mga di mu napapansin ngunit kilala mu na pala dati pa. may ilan na di mu kilala talaga, marami naman ay matagal nang nawala at muling nagpakita. so surprised na lahat sila ay naalala ka at nagbigay ng pansin para batiin ka...

..i also get to hang out with some new faces and an old one kanina.. old and new friends i mean. masaya. it's nice to be with people who came to your life at different times. that's how you get a bridge connecting those times, filling the empty spaces between them. may sense ba tong sinasabi ko? i don't know exactly how to express it but hope you get it.. that's how you would know their differences...

..well, thankful naman ako sa mga tao na laging anjan na talaga. yung mga totoong kaibigan na through good and bad times ay kasama ko at alam kong di ako iiwan hanggang pumuti ang mga buhok namen. (waw. drama?)

..but the thing i'm so happy about is the thought that the people i've always wanted to stay are still there pala tellin "hey, i'm maybe away but i wont forget you. Kaw muna sumagot ng tagay ko." then there are unexpected texts and calls saying "jehlee boy". meaning, it's from an old pal. ..just simple things lettin you know they're still around and you're never forgotten.

..so.. after six years, they're here. tagal din. i don't have any idea kung panu nanyare. it just happened. what a time to come..and it's nice..aaminin ko na minsan, within those years, i get to think i'm losing them. or sometimes i think i'm expecting too much from them that i'm already disappointing myself.. mali pala yun. sabihin na nating, di sila nawala. nag vacation lang. hehe

..now, i have the same people wearing new and old faces. i got the same friends. it's quite a different story but it's january 24, 2003 again...

eto na naman po kame..

damn! i hate this feeling.. i really hate this.

why do i need to go through this again?

why?!!!

eto ang di ko gusto. pagkatapos mu gawin yung mga bagay na yun, yung mga bagay na gusto mu, yung mga bagay na makakapagpasaya sa 'yo, eto na yung kasunod...

so sad to realize that same old story happens again and again.. reason kung bakit napipigilan ka sa mga bagay na nagbibigay buhay sa 'yo.

just when you thought you're back, you get puzzled again...and hanging.. just hanging..

HYLC '08

edi eto na nga nuh..

eto na nga, teka..

masaya masaya!

i just realized i was lost for years.. lost in a sense na, malayo na pala ko sa mga bagay na dati kong kinaaaliwan at pinagtutuunan ng pansin. yung mga bagay na dati ay ginagawa ko di lang para sa sarili ko pero para din sa mga tao sa paligid ko. and i just realized na 5 years na pala yun..biruin mu..tsk tsk.. at narealize ko na eto talaga ang gusto ko. eto yung missing link siguro nung college ako and eto talaga ang kahulugan ng outlet or diversion para saken. sa buhay mu, di dapat nakatuon ka lang sa kung anung buhay ang gusto mu at kung anu sa buhay ang gusto mu marating. kailangan mu din ng mapapagtuunan ng pansin at panahon na magiging kapakipakinabang para sa ibang tao.. ang drama mu pre! hehe

but it's always nice to be back..

last weekend, we held the HYLC pilot run.. take note pare, pilot run yun. kami yung kauna-unahang batch ng HYLC.. teka, anu ba yung HYLC? hehe.. Hagonoy Young Leaders Congress.. eun. kung alam mu yung AYLC, alam mu na kung about san yun..

edi eto na nga haneh..

sobrang namiss ko pala yung mga bagay neun.. panu kasi, nung hiskul ako, active ako sa mga ganung klase ng activities.. about youth and leadership ba dong.. eh buti na lang, naisipan namen na magconduct ng sarili naming program para sa mga kabataan ng hagonoy..

masaya masaya!

dami ko nakasama. bale, 40 deligates kame.. syempre kasama ko dun! hehe.. masaya sila kasama. kulet eh.. peo mas masarap kasama yung mga ka-group ko. "what's the team?!".. cheer leader ang drama ko nun.. haha! (namiss ko din yun).. saya ng group namen. reg, ralph, pau, mutya, eliza, russel, joel, jordan, nikki.. eun.. sila mga ka-group ko..thanks guys!

daming activities na talagang nagenjoy ako. and madami din ako natutunan at bumalik sa aking alaala. naks! reminiscin?! haha! di ko malilimutan yung toxic waste. kahit di naten nakuha, okay lang. tsaka yung boundary break. dami ko nalaman about senyo..

congrats sa lahat ng deligates! saya ng graduation. dami umiiyak. hehe.. panu naman nakakamiss talaga.. peo okay lang yan. sabi ko naman senyo, di pa yun yung last time na makakaharap ko ang mga pagmumukha nyo. haha! may mga project pa tau para sa hagonoy. and excited na ko na makasama kau sa mga projects na yun..

gusto ko magpasalamat sa mga naging co-facilitator ng HYLeaP core-team. yung mga AYLC deligates na talaga namang magagaling.. salamat sa inyong lahat.. di ko na kau iisa-isahin. ang dami nyo eh. hehe.. basta special mention si kuya yani.. haha!

at sa HYLeaP Core Team, na kinabibilangan ko, nina, amarie, vinz, rj, herwin, rizza, dredy, at ang aming adviser na si vice elmer,.. ..congrats mga kapatid! ang galing! isangliboapatnaraanatapatnapu'tsiyam na taas para sa ating lahat!

i've never felt this good for quite some time.. i'm happy.. i'm satisfied.. this was me.. now, this is me!

Taas ng ere..

So disappointing. After the hospitality we had shown you, yun lang ang gagawin n'yo. Were you sincere?! i don't think so. Ginawa n'yo lang yun coz you got no choice. don't do it and you'll be busted in jail.. natatakot kayo that's why you were forced to do what you got to do though deep inside, you don't like what you're doing. "OROKAN" ang tawag sa mga taong katulad nyo!

Nakakatuwa nga kayo tignan that time. parang sobra bait nyo. so tame! As if walang nangyare. Pero sa totoo lang, at first napaniwala nyo ko. haha! poor jehlee. Ang galing nyo kasi magpanggap. Well di ko naman masisi sarili ko. that's my nature. I easily trust person. Kasi totoo ako sa mga tao. Di ako PAIMBABAW tulad nyo. Mataas talaga ere nyo..

Well that's alright. What goes around comes around. Just keep doing your thing. We'll play your game.

You'll know what i'm tellin you. YOU'LL KNOW..

got my name on the roster!

ngaun pa lang nagsink sa utak ko ang mga nangyare last week. still can't believe i made it. it's HIS will, i know. and sa dami ng nangyare within 6months, 40% perseverance and 60% prayers brought me here.

may 12, 2008. i remember when i first had my class in PERCdc. yung review center na pinasukan ko. the first day was light. just introductions and orientations. the next day, wednesday, may 14, MWF basis, was so new. ang daming bago. naramdaman ko na agad yung pressure. why? pagkatapos pala ng 5years in college, ang dami ko pa pala kailangan malaman. and i thought, 6months before the board wouldn't be enough.

i started thinking na wag na lang ituloy kasi baka masayang lang ang pagod at gastos sa pagrereview.para saken, board exam is so different. di to katulad ng exam sa college, na pag mababa ang nakuha mu sa 1st quiz, there would be 2nd, 3rd, 4th quiz na pwedeng bumawi. i feel that, once i fail sa board, i'm a failure already. i fail them, yung mga taong umaasa at nageexpect na papasa ko, and worse, i satisfy all my critics outside at jan sa tabi tabi.

my friends kept on pushing me saying na kaya ko yun, and it's just an exam, no big deal. na wala naman akong kailangan patunayan sa mga tao dahil mas kilala ko ang sarili ko kesa sa kanila. which is true naman. but it was some sort of pride na rin siguro kung bakit ko naiisip yung mga bagay na yun. and i can't get that thinking off me.

well, i still continued. aral pa din. the 1st four months were just like wind passing me by. my times na nakakapagreview ako and my times din naman na nakahiga at natutulog lang the whole day. haha! but once na nahawakan ko naman yung review materials, seryoso talaga and i assure myself na naaabsorb ko lahat ng aralin ko.

after 4months, i failed all the exams sa review center. gandang motivation di ba? but since ang haba na din ng panahon na ginugol at perang nagastos sa review, tuloy pa din ako. kahit na walang kasiguruhan na papasa ko. i didn't notice na yung mga pressures and worries i had before eh unti unti pa lang nawawala. wala na ko masyadong "what if" or "paano kaya?".. and it helped me a lot to concentrate sa studies..

august25, i moved to manila. there, i was able to concentrate. kain tulog lang ang pahinga. pagkagising, libro agad. breakfast ng 10am, lunch ng 2pm, dinner ng 9pm. waaaahh! late lahat. pati tulog late na din. 1am na pinakamaaga.

then board exam na pala. october 25, 26, saturday and sunday. i wasn't expecting na papasa pa ko. ang hirap ng exam. tanungin ba kame bout nectar, bees, and flowers?! i was like, "what the?!" anu connect nun? yun na ata ang pinaka mahabang weekend ng buhay ko. and so tiring.

tapos, zero hundred hour, october 30, 2008. one of the best days of my life. one of my classmates texted me. my result na daw sa net. nanginginig ako. haha! i browsed the web page. there, i saw my name on the list. huwaw! THANK GOD! yun lang ang nasabi ko. then i went upstairs para gisingin ang mga tao at mag-ingay. haha! ang saya!

now, just wanna thank those people who helped me with this one. my family unang una. tatay, nanay, ann, jay, jane para sa support, lakas ng loob and patience. sa aking ninang ligaya, my 2nd nanay. my grandma, i call her "Ina", thank you po for being my prayer warrior. salamat po. Inang Minia and Tito Dar, for my additional allowance all throughout. ang aking apat na kapatid sa boarding hauz, Dayrit, Allem, Tricio, and Mark. salamat tol sa mga panahon na magkakasama tayo. malaki ang naitulong nun saten. at congrats din sa inyo. sa aking mga friends na laging andyan para sumuporta at magbigay ng lakas ng loob, Mildred, Mhel, Ato, Edmond, Tsam at Tracy. thanks buddies! sa mga nag gudluck saken the day before the board, Ferdz, Fatz, Janus, Romer, Ciut, salamat senyo. pinalakas nyo loob ko. kay karen na nagpahiram ng extra calcu saken, salamat tol. hehe..

Para sa atin pong lahat ito..

and to all my critics at yung mga my tinatagong poot sa aken, hehe.. it's an answered prayer po..better luck next time!.. sana magbago na kayo. peace!

At kayo! oo! kayo nga! Invited kayong lahat! sarado na ang kalsada, wala nang dadaan. tayo na at magsaya!

miss you buddy

i was browsing my fs and found myself answering questions posted by a friend on bulletin..

the last question there goes like.. "Who's your friend you could tell anything to?".. i paused for a while and think. suddenly, it hit me.. ..and i typed "..wala na siya eh.. si orly.."

Orlando Bulaong. that's his name.. we called him Orly.. nagkakilala kami when we were in grade 6 on a camp.. a boyscout jamboree where we served as representative of our respective schools.. then in highschool, we became friends and classmates nung 2nd yr na. mabait eh. sobra. naging magkasama sa mga kalokohan. sa projects, games, panliligaw, kalokohan, at kahit sa trouble, di kami nagiiwanan. naalala ko pa nung tym na nanalo kami sa intrams and muntik na mapaaway sa lower section. kaming dalawa lang ang magkasama. and nung inabangan siya nung isang student from i don't know where, ako kasama niya. bestfriend ko yun eh! di naman kami palaaway or basagulero. lapitin lang ng gulo. i don't know. daming inggit eh. lalo na pag nasasapawan..

..one morning, before our class sa hapon, i went to his house with some friends. nagbasketball kami then umakyat sa bubong nila to get santol at mangga. kumain nang kumain at nagkwentuhan. we had so much fun then though di ko alam kung bkit..basta masaya kami. after that, nagmamadali kaming umuwi para pumasok sa school. hapon na pala and late na kami. during the class, before we went home, my teacher in filipino had a lottery and siya yung napiling bumunot ng winner.. and he said as he picked up the name of the winner, "ang nanalo ng aking katawan...... .......ay ako! ako nga! ako ang nanalo!" ang swerte. name nya talaga nabunot nya. hehe.. not knowing na yun na pala ang pinakamahaba at pinakamasayang araw na pagsasamahan namin. that was his last day sa school.. haaaay..

..even before kami magkasama nang matagal, we parted ways na din agad. he transfered to other school for some reasons... the day na nabalitaan namen na he was gonna transfer na nga, the whole section went to his house after class and tried to convinced him na wag na ituloy. but he had no choice. he had to. so he transfered na nga..pero ganun pa man, di pa din kami nawalan ng communication. and there were times pa nga na nagpupunta kami or ako sa bahay nila to play basketball or para lang bumisita. and siya din ganun.. nagpupunta sa bahay para lang mangamusta..

lately, i noticed na parang ang tamlay nya and he opened nga na may problem siya. as much as i can, pinilit kong ma-ease yung pain na ramdam nya. then, couple of months before we had our graduation, nagpunta siya sa bahay. he brought a cd and gave it to me. the cd wasn't for me. but since binalik sa kanya yung cd nung taong talagang pinagbigyan nya, he chose na ibigay na saken. (and up to now, tinatago ko pa din yung cd) ..sobrang lungkot ng mata nya nun. wala ako magawa.. ..sobrang sisi ko na di ko alam na yun na pala ang last na pagkikita namen.

ang laking sisi ko na di ako naka-attend sa birthday nya. his last birhtday. one morning, couple of weeks before my highschool graduation, nagising ako sa isang tawag ng isang kaibigan. she told me, orly's gone.. ..di ko alam ang gagawin ko nun. akala ko nga ginugud tym lang ako ni orly. mahilig sa ganun yun eh. but the gut feel was there. i rushed to his house with my friends and malayo pa lang ako, my nakikita na akong black cloth sa may harapan nila. habang papalapit ako ng papalapit, my mind was saying na di yun totoo. i didn't have the nerve para tumuloy. then one of my friend na kanina pa andun said "buti anjan na kayo. kanina ka pa hinihintay ng nanay ni orly." pinilit ko pumasok and when i stepped inside, nakita ko yung coffin. ayoko tignan. pero gusto ko siguraduhin na hindi siya yung nasa loob nun! there i saw nanay zeny (nanay ni orly) crying. hinipo ko yung ulo ni nanay zeny at sinabi kong' "nanay andito na po kami.".. she screamed and said "orly! andito na sila. andito na sila. bumangon ka na!" di ako makaiyak nun. di pa nagsi-sink in sa utak ko na yung bestfriend ko ang nakahiga sa harapan ko..

last night before siya ilibing, his ate gave me yung picture namen back nung 2nd yr highschool saying "nakuha ko to sa wallet ni orly. ikaw na magtatago nyan." iyon yung picture na pinagtatalunan namen dati kung sino ang dapat magtago. and all flashed back. lahat ng mga nangyari. from the time we first met hanggang sa last time kaming nagkita.. lahat ng pinagsamahan namin, bumalik yun lahat. then, i realized kung gaano ako kaswerte na nagkaroon ako ng friend na tulad nya. sadly, wala na siya.. and there, i cried....

..pare, miss na kita. dami kong gustong ikwento at i-share sa yo. madami ka na din namiss eh. sana andito ka. daya mu naman. kampi tayo di ba? ..wala ka dito? panu kaya yun?..graduate na nga pala ko. engineering. kaw, dapat nauna ka na makagraduate saken eh. education course mu dba? nakita ko pa dati yung name mu sa list ng mga passers nung enrolment for college freshmen. galing mu talaga!

alam ko anjan ka lang. and di kita nakakalimutan. next birthday mu, present ulet ako. sana maramdaman ko yung presence mu. kahit paramdam lang. kahit one time lang. o kaya sa panaginip, kausapin mo ko. madami ako ibabalita sa yo.

miss you buddy..

What a Day!!!

signal#3, walang kuryente, my fone bat was dead, and i was stucked here sa bahay!

Yesterday, i planned with my friends to go out today. not actually gala. Binyag kasi ng anak ng classmate namen nung highschool and ninong at ninang kame. oh db.. then kaninang umaga when i woke up, was like, what the?!

Ang lakas ng ulan ah. So i decided na matulog ulet. 11am pa naman yung start ng mass. Then i woke up na ata ng 12. yeah, di na ko naka-attend. eh panu naman, ung ulan pala nung umaga eh bagyo na pala at signal#3 pa.

I got up and looked for my fone. (asa ilalim pala ng pillow).. and there, deadbat s'ya. Bumaba ako para magbreakfast/lunch at para mag charge. ayun! Walang kuryente!

just after few minutes, nagbabasa ako ng notes at nag-aaral.. (see, i study talaga..hehe) dumating si ato at juvs na nakabihis at my balak pa ata humabol sa binyag. haha! basang basa nga eh.. kwentuhan at isip isip kung tutuloy pa kame. then lunch.

after lunch, since walang kuryente, and dedbat ang fone ko, nagkwentuhan na lang kame. haha! ang tyaga. around 3pm nung naligo ako and we decided na magpunta sa bayan. haha! bumabagyo na alis pa din. inutusan kasi ko ni nanay na mag money transfer,(Which was di ko nagawa. close ang western at lbc dahil sa typhoon), and para magcharge ng fone ko sa jollibee. haha!

yeah! seryoso. may dala talaga kong charger. nagpunta kame sa jobee at umorder. then lumagay kame sa pwesto na my outlet at nagcharge. haha!

..we stayed there for almost 2hours. (nakicharge din kasi si ato) we met some friends, kwentuhan then we went home na..

..at eto na nga ang malupet..30mins after i got home, my kuryente na! waaaahhhh!!!! azar!

KATIWA-TIWALA BA KO?!

"KATIWA-TIWALA KA BA?!"

"KATIWA-TIWALA KA BA?!"

"KATIWA-TIWALA KA BA?!"

Tanong saken ng taong least expected ko na magtatanong saken.. like i'm just a good-for-nothing, or wala akong kwentang tao and just messing up with my fucking life!!..

"KATIWA-TIWALA KA BA?!"

"KATIWA-TIWALA KA BA?!"

"KATIWA-TIWALA KA BA?!"

Fuck! it keeps runnin through my head!

"KATIWA-TIWALA KA BA?!"

"KATIWA-TIWALA KA BA?!"

"KATIWA-TIWALA KA BA?!"

oh well.. ain't like i showed them accomplishments already. para sa kanila wala pa naman akong napapatunayan. or wala talaga akong mapapatunayan!

"KATIWA-TIWALA KA BA?!"

"KATIWA-TIWALA KA BA?!"

"KATIWA-TIWALA KA BA?!"

did i disappoint you already?! ah alam ko na.. eversince naman eh i wasn't able to live up with your expectations.

"KATIWA-TIWALA KA BA?!"

"KATIWA-TIWALA KA BA?!"

"KATIWA-TIWALA KA BA?!"

eh niloloko ko na lang pala kayo eh.. why don't you tell me exactly what i'm supposed to do. so you can breathe easily.. or talagang tamang hinala lang talaga kayo?!

"KATIWA-TIWALA KA BA?!"

"KATIWA-TIWALA KA BA?!"

"KATIWA-TIWALA KA BA?!"

the pain is just too indepth.. i can't bear this....

24/7 isn't enough

i can't find time. lotsa things to deal with plus these stuffs trying to meddle, circling around my mind like im on a high. i know what to prioritize first and let the rest go. but seems i can't pull 'em out just that.

would you please buy me a break?! your eating my time and messin' all my plans!
if only i could have 25hours a day and 8days a week... then i'll show you all what i got..

WASTED

It’s been a while since my last post here. And sadly, it had to be this way to write a new one.

Well I guess that’s life. Things you treasured for so long would be wasted just that. I thought this would never happen. Who’s gonna be blamed for this? I dunno. Wala siguro. But am sure to myself, wala saken ang problema. And problem would start neither on my side, nor my self.

Is there still a chance to fix this mess? Unfortunately, now, it’s all out of my hands. It’s beyond my control. It’s all up to them. I know my limits though I don’t know what’s gonna happen next. I can’t promise nothing would happen, that nothing bad would happen. It’s just I have my principles here, and no one can treat me and ALL OF ME the way they did. They started it all. I’m just being myself, doing things which I think are right.

You, and you! I was so disappointed. We don’t deserve those words you threw. It isn’t our game. Mas matatanggap ko pa kung sinuntok nyo ko sa mukha.. I was tryin’ to cool myself down. I was trying to save it. I talked to you. But what did you do? Your brains are just as good as shit!! You’re attending mass regularly, right? Where’s the fuckin’ breeding?! Now I know how your parents raised you. Shame on both of you, dickheads!

...You pissed me. Nice! SALAMAT SA LAHAT NG PINAGSAMAHAN but I got to have my two middle fingers for you two… FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOU!! Kulang pa yan sa mga sinabi nyo, at ginawa nyo!! So much for you idiots. Go to hell! Now we’re all even.

Sayang mga pare. Sayang… Sabi nila di ko kayo dapat panghinayangan. Naging totoo ako sa inyo. Sana ginawa nyo yung part nyo.

Well I guess that’s life. Things you treasured for so long would be wasted just that. I thought this would never happen… that your life long friends would turn out to be your worst enemies…

totally different

My friend Camela just sent me this quote..

"If an angel and a devil were to fall in love with each other, can their love transcend the law of heaven and hell? Can the angel set her wings on fire?.. Can the devil soar at day light?.. ..This is faith's decree. Love can't change what aren't meant to be.."

Parang tama di ba? It got me thinkin for a very long while and realized na "di talaga pwede.." ..afterall, angels and devils don't seem to fall for each other.. you think they can relate?.. hmmmm..

To have other's opinion (expecting na i would get same view as i see it), i sent it to one of my close friends aiko and was surprised by her reply.. "tingin mo?,, pwede noh?.." ..i was like, aiko are you all ryt?! then i texted her, "gnun?! pwede?" thinkin she was just kiddin.. but when she replied, "pwede", i ask her.. "paano un?! san sila magsasama together? ge nga?! hmmmmmm..".. she just answered.. "compromise".. then i started thinkin again..

Could they really fall for one another?.. if they do, where would they live? in heaven or in hell? who would give way?... seems so impossible.. but if you're going to take a deeper look, parang my point din si cooletz (tawag ko kay aiko)..

I started making kulit to her.. askin what compromise means.. "meet halfway" she said.. onga naman.. they could meet halfway if they want to.. nasa pag-uusap din yan.. kung talagang gusto nila bkit di sila pareho mag-adjust..

the devil could turn his back to satan and follow jesus just to have the angel, or the other way round.. hehe..oh di ba pwede din yun? sacrifice! yun ang tawag dun..may dapat mag-give way..syempre my mga disadvantage yun but still, love pa din ang nasunod..

sa case ng angel at devil, you'll never know..pwede din naman sila mainlove sa isa't isa di ba..you see, there's also the possibilty for them to fall for each other..one of physics' law, "opposite attracts".. haha!! ..so pwede tlaga..my different races nga na nagkakatuluyan eh kahit ibang iba ang culture na kinamulatan at nakasanayan nila..gaya ni ruffa at ylmaz..kaya lang nagkahiwalay din.. hahaha!!!

but it's true. people from different worlds could fall for each other..and aiko also added.. "that's life. sometimes you fall for persons you least expected to"..and if ever they push what they want, you can't ignore what other people might say..siyempre my mga feedbacks yan from people.. gossips at kung anu anong intriga..positive and negative..or even what each side might say, yung family nila pareho..eto naman sabi ni aiko bout that.. "bkit mo iisipin yung iba? if your that much inlove and you can show it, sooner or later each side will learn to accept it. kasi that's where you're happy. and by the end of the day, what really matters is that you're happy with your life.."

so para matapos na to, at mukhang may nasabi naman ako na may sense kahit papano, here's what i've realized..

yeah..tama si aiko.. bakit mo nga naman iintindihin ang sasabihin ng ibang tao. buhay mo yan..ikaw lang ang nakakaalam what's best for you and what will make you happy.. advantages and disadvantages would be there syemre. it would just take sacrifices and efforts at sa huli, kaw din ang panalo..at mali yung quote na yun..hehe.. .. lahat pwede mabago..and it's not true that love can't change what aren't meant to be..pwede yun..

those were the days....

i miss the days when things seemed so easy.. problems were not sooo complicated.. studies were just like playin.. lotsa friends were around..

the day would start and end sa school.. 12:30 pa ang class but 1 hr before the 1st subject, papasok na para tumambay, makipagkwentuhan sa mga friends.. syempre the main reason is para maka-"hebor" sa crush na nasa morning session!! (hik!) =) ..tambay muna sa bleacher at magbabasa ng mga kung anong naka-vandal dun just like this one na up to now eh naaalala ko pa..it goes like....

"don't make me promisses baby,
you never did know how to keep them well.
i had the rest of you, now i want the best of you,
it's time to show and tell..."

hmmmm.. parang kanta yun ah?!! hehe..message ni mhel kay ato the time they just got started at nagaaway na agad! haha!

sa loob ng classroom, ang daming pwedeng gawin, as long as you won't be caught by teachers.. pero pag my teacher na, khit magcharge ng fone is a No No..while the teacher was still out, you would play the radio na dala mo para sa practice ng dance na ipeperform nyo sa school program.. magttransfer sa seat at the back kasi andun yung mga katsokaran mo.. azaran na mauuwi sa batuhan ng crushed papers. then, pagdating ng teacher, there, dumpsite na ang classroom..haha!!

sa recess, since mahal ang food sa canteen and the taste wasn't that good, pupuslit kayo nila juver palabas ng gate. kayang kaya naman kasi ka-good naman si tatang dante.. (yung guard)..susunod naman sa inyo yung mga gurls like sila fhe at jelai..(half of the section ang nasa labas na!) yey!! .. pupunta sa meriendahan ni ate rosel at dun oorder ng spaghetti na ipapalaman sa tinapay..gagawing 30 mins ang 15 mins break at magkkwentuhan muna habang nagrerest.. babalik sa school na late na para sa subject na math.. hihi!

maya lang konte values education na.. last subject na at uwian na mamayang 6:20.. after ng class, di pa muna uuwi.. tatambay muna sa guard house while waiting for the cleaners na makatapos maglinis. (peo pag ikaw na ang cleaner eh di naman nglilinis!)..wala lang, ayaw pa umuwi eh..haha! then you would realize na kayo na lang pala ng mga classmates mo ang natitira sa school at kayo na naman ang magsasara ng gate! (kewl!!)

paglabas ng gate, di pa muna sasakay sa trike na nagaabang sa labas at maglalakad pa kayo papunta sa kanto habang nagkkwentuhan at sinasabayan ang dinidigahan..moment na yun! haha!! pagdating sa kanto ay tatambay pa muna ulet sa harap ng grocery store at maghihintay ng makukursunadahang trike na sasakyan. hintayin pa na medyo magalit yung babae sa tindahan kasi nakaharang kaming lhat sa tindahan nya..( pasaway!) at tsaka pa lang papara ng trike for the gurls.. at kami naman mga guys ay maglalakad lang pauwi..walkin distance na lang kasi nalakad na namin yung kalahati..hahaha!!!

whenever you got a problem, anjan ang barkada. ooops.. di lang pala barkada.. kaibigan.. yeah, friends, real friends.. sarap kasama.. advices kahit pareparehong walang alam, support kahit di naman sila payag, at comfort kahit you both don't feel at ease..there were times pa na i felt i am better off staying in school rather than being at home. you won't even be bothered to check the time pag kasama mo sila. and you would say "fuck, gabi na pala. bukas na lang ulet.."

magpapaalm sa bahay na gagawa ng investigatory project.. ayun, maghapon nang mawawala, at kung sansan na makakarating. mapapadpad sa san isidro at maghahouse to house sa mga bhay ng classmates na para bang my nangangampanya.. aabutan na ng time ng merienda sa kung kaninong bahay at dun manginginain. nanjan yung quail eggs kila elaine, tinapay kila nep o kaya bayabas sa puno nila marivie..

there were times pa na khit saturday eh nasa school kami just to see each other at magkukulitan. kahit walang ginagawa eh bumabalik pa rin sa school o kaya nman eh mgpupunta sa sementeryo sa san juan at dun tatambay.. (aztig noh?!)..minsan naman pag my typhoon at canceled ang classes eh di pa rin uuwi.. didiretso sa house nila leth sa palapat at dun muna magsstay, kukunin ang gitara at collection nya ng songhits at magjajaming maghapon habang malakas ang ulan!.. ang tyaga noh?!

magseset ng picnic oh kaya ng kahit anung lakad basta mgkasama-sama lang. we felt na parang nakakainip sa kanya kanyang bahay kaya laging gumagala..okay lang khit ginisang sardinas ang lunch at juice na maligamgam ang inumin.. haha!!

the teachers seemed so mean to us.. sa FILIPINO, mababaliw ka sa pag intindi sa mga salawikain ni mam tanuig.. mapipilitan kang mgcross stitch sa time ni sir noel sa THE (was it right to force the boys na magcross stitch?!).. exhausted dahil sa mga PHYSICS laws, theories, and principles ni mam rona.. magexercise sa PEHM khit nasa loob ng classroom (duh?!!) kasama si sir mhacks.. aantukin sa mga worded problem ni mam libao sa MATH.. nosebleed sa mga idioms ni mam mallari sa ENGLISH..aabutin ng umay sa world history ni mam galang sa SOCIAL STUDIES.. at magpapakabait naman dahil sa mga sermon ni mam aimee sa VALUES (di naman effective!).. ..but come to think of it.. it really helped alot.. and salamat po sa kanila..

back then, madaming nanyare.. lahat na yata ng "firsts" andun na! ..first poem (how sweet!!).. first courtship (dyahe!!).. first gurlfriend (wahooo!!).. first dump (ouchh!!).. first kiss (ayiii, kilig!!).. at first &*%.. sorry, private na yun! hahah!!

haaaayyy..those were the days.. the high school days..no regrets na masyado akong naging attached sa mga yun kaya hinahanap hanap ko pa.... life was simple.. friends were real.. contentment was there.. madaling maging masaya.. and if i would be given a chance to live through it all over again, i won't think twice. i would!!!..

a whole new world!

makati makati makati.. new world it seems, coz i really used to live in the province.. yeah, promdi po. nasanay sa lilim ng mga thick canopy of trees, rice fields, fresh air though it's not that fresh anymore since lotsa vehicles are there na din sa place namin, and the people i get to meet everyday.. ibang iba lahat..

this summer, i started my training sa isang company somewhere in makati. eveyday i hafta wake up sooo early.. 5am. oi, maaga na yun para saken! hehe.. fixing myself, dressing up, havin breakfast then leave.. araw araw na lang laging ganun. nakakapagod lumuwas at umuwi..well, u may say, pwede nman ako mgbording hauz, bkit uwian pa ko.. it's just, i don't feel comfortable sleepin sa hindi ko bed. ayoko din nung my ibang gumgamit ng cr na hindi ko msyadong kilala. arte ko ba? cguro nga.. and other reasons are, di ako snay maglaba, mamalantsa at magluto. eh sa bahay, pgdating ko may nkaprepare na agad na food. kakain na lang.. ayun, those are the real reasons..hehe

well, di naman ito ang first time i've gone to manila siyempre.. often times am out here with friends, and cuzins.. but to be here everyday, parang nakakapanibago. feeling ko lagi ako nagmamadali.. people are always in a hurry. they seem always busy. khit sa paglalakad lang, you would notice na prang kung mabagal ka, walang mangyayari sa 'yo. you would be just left behind by people.. FAST PHASING ANG BUHAY dito..


the PUV's.. one is MRT.. everybody knows how to deal with this damn train! pag rush hour, papasok ka pa lang ng station sobra dami na ng tao. siksikan agad and you hafta be patient sa mga taong walang pakialam sa iba basta mauna lang pagsakay. it doesn't matter kung gurl ka or what. bahala ka sa buhay mo basta sila, sasakay at sasakay. dun ka makakakita ng mga tao throwing their shoulders and elbows to each other. one time nga ako pa napagkamalan ng isang nanay na tumulak sa kanya. ayun, sinipa pa ko..buhay nga naman.


there's always a feeling of alertness na sometimes it had me feel uncomfortable.. parang paranoid na cguro. hehe.. am always chekin out if my fone and my wallet are still in my pocket.. yung bag or pants ko baka tastas na ng blade.. baka someone is following me already..you know.. mandurukot and holdaper..


but aside from those, i could also see the positive side ng pagiging nasa siyudad.. (ang lalim!) at di na mwawala jan ang mraming gimikan. ofcourse! haha! malls, resto, bars, at kung anu ano pa! for teenagers like me, (huh?!) yun agad ang nkita kong beauty dito.. and so many gurls as well! syempre nman! more liberated. others are wild.. rrrarrrrr!!!


all the necessities are here. convenient stores, hospitals, churches, government establishments, transportation and all ay malapit lang.. autoload max, express load, at e-load ay 24hrs open. di mo na klangan manggising ng kpitbhay or tindahan in the middle of the night para lang maloadan ka. basta may pera ka, okay ka na..


to rap this up, city is good. masarap mabuhay dito. you'll not be bored. you get to meet a lot of people and experience different things. but i would still prefer to end my day sa place na tahimik, safer and comfortable, sa place where birds, trees, fresh air and food are plenty.
there's no place like home as they say...

"High School Never Ends"

Four years you think for sure
That's all you've got to endure
All the total dicks, all the stuck up chicks
So superficial, so immature.
Then when you graduate,
You take a look around and say HEY WAIT!
This is the same as where I just came from.
I thought it was over, Aw that's just great!

The whole damn world is just as obsessed.
With who's the best dressed and who's having sex,
Who's got the money, who gets the honeys,
Who's kinda cute and who's just a mess?
And you still don't have the right look,
And you don't have the right friends.
NOTHING CHANGES BUT THE FACES, THE NAMES AND THE TRENDS,,
High school never ends!!

Check out the popular kids,
You'll never guess what Jessica did.
How did Mary Kate lose all that weight.
And Katie had a baby so I guess tom's straight.
And the only thing that matters,
Is climbing up that social ladder.
Still care about your hair and the car you drive.
Doesn't matter if you're sixteen or thirty-five.

Reese Witherspoon, she's the prom queen.
Bill Gates, Captain of the chess team.
Jack Black, the clown, Brad Pitt, the quarterback.
I've seen it all before, I want my money back!

The whole damn world is just as obsessed,
With who's the best dressed and who's having sex,
Who's in the clubs, who's on the drugs,
Who's throwing up before they digest?
And you still don't have the right look,
And you don't have the right friends,
And YOU STILL LISTEN TO THE SAME SHIT YOU DID BACK THEN,,
High school never ends!!

The whole damn world is just as obsessed,
With who's the best dressed and who's having sex,
Who's got the money, who gets the honeys,
Who's kinda cute and who's just a mess?
And you still don't have the right look,
And I STILL HAVE THE SAME three FRIENDS,
And I'M PRETTY MUCH THE SAME AS I WAS BACK THEN,,
High school never ends!!

Here we go again!

birthday message

just wanna post this message i had a night before my 20th birthday. it was pretty @#%$... it goes like tis...


..all right! i want this one to be meaningful.

my life has been so colorful for the last 8 years. i must say na eto yung stage na most memorable and treasureable. it did so well for me, na i dont want pa to leave it behind. Gusto ko ganito na lang lagi. Maraming nangyare na unpredictable. there were priceless things, precious moments, untold secrets and all. Problems were there as well.

This stage won't last though. so i just wanna look back and give thanks to people i've spent and shared my teenage life wit. ( drama na, oo na! )

Dun sa taong dumaan, nagpakilala, sandaling nakasama, had a great impact, at lumisan, SALAMAT! i know God has His own reason kung bakit ganun.

Sa mga kaibigan, kabarkada, classmate at kakilala, SALAMAT PO NG MARAMI! it would have not been this perfect kung wala kayo.

Finally, to all my close, special ( sampaguitas ), and best friends, y'all help me grow and really touched my life. I appreciate what we're having right now and for that, a BIG HUG OF SALAMAT! i'll treasure all the laughters and tears.

I LOVE YOU GUYZ!!

And my wish?.. that what we've started won't change as time goes by... =)


and tha's it!

nang dahil kay ferdz

wala lang.. actually, am just really want to try this one out.. got intrested to have a blog.. i dunno. si ferdz kasi eh.. nagbrowse ng blog ng friend nya.. eh i find it cool, kea eto.. if you wanna know ferdz, he's also planning to have his own blog.. you guys just have to wait.. am sure, puro kalibugan na naman ilalagay nya dun.. hehe..
anyways, i dont really know, what this site is for. siguro, just to share things to people.. and maybe to learn how to express person's perspective..and as of now, wala pa ko maikukwento.. di naman ako writer..hehe.. wait nyo na lang siguro further posts ko.. probably, i get the chance to have something that will make sense!!